My True Desire

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My desire, MY DESIRE, is to know you, God. Every minute of every day, to be near you. Help me, dear God, as I stray from that desire daily, hourly, minute-ly!
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Change my heart, oh God, make it ever true! I pray that and I fight that every day.
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If you want me to, I'll walk thru the valley. I've said this to you, Lord, before. But MY FLESH is so weak. I run for the hills and scream, asking "WHY ME?"
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"Let me die here, let me meet you now." But now would be heartache for you, dear Lord, for me, because I have not followed you with my whole heart. I have not loved your people like you have taught me to.
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The desires of my heart are very worldly. I've asked God for brokenness. He never promised that that wouldn't hurt. To be broken... does that mean to have faith? to be let down by the world of love and a world of money? to be brought to my knees because I can't keep up with the demands of the world? To be broken... to be shamed infront of man? to be heart-broken and depressed?
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God, I have brokenness. Although I know that other's pain can be worse than my own, I find no comfort with that knowledge. I can only know what my own heart feels. Although I cry for other's pain, it is a temporary release. My own pain consumes me; my own heart breaks too often to count the pieces.
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Yet, selfishly craving healing, YOU ARE MY DESIRE. Let that be true every day of my life. May that desire be reflected in everything I do so that others may know you also. My true heart, my worldly heart; may that be hidden, forgiven, and forgotten - daily, hourly, minute-ly.
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I write these words so that I may remember my desire and not forget. I write these words in defiance of the evil one; to try to show GOD'S VICTORY! Let not my own desire of health, wealth, power, get in the way of MY TRUE DESIRE: JESUS CHRIST!